It’s a mad-sad-bad world!
Close to barbaric maybe…..
The odds of finding happiness in an absurdly homophobic society are dreadfully dismal.
I consistently use my life as an illustrative anecdote.
I have always wanted to be a good son, brother, boyfriend/husband and probably father.
Its worth noting that I am now a man on my own; not momma’s little wayward son and I have to fight for my happiness just like any other man outside there.
And then the stigma that comes with being gay. It’s totally unsettling.
The depths of despair can get really deep.
Have you ever stayed up till 3am in the morning and still no sign of sleep?
Sometimes I can hardly think normal and my heart feels a heavy lump.
Everything becomes stagnant, and my heartbeat lazy with my breath stunningly shallow.
Yes, I am gay……But now what next?
What’s the future in it? How will I end up? Or maybe the society might be right……It’s wrong.
The world has no idea what I am going through. I am getting irritated by everything. I cannot get rid of the pit in my stomach. I am losing control of my own self and no one is good enough for me.
I have become despondent, my nights are unusually longer and I can hardy cope with situations in a calm rational way.
When I walk down the road alone I feel like everyone is looking at me, judging the way I walk. I feel like everything they are saying to each other, to themselves, to me, is something personal, about me, and always negative. Every possible scenario runs through my head.
I think of my mother. I wonder how she will react when she finds out the truth. I don’t even know if she will survive it. I am scared about my little sister, she has always teased me that I should get a wife and bear endless children to send around. I think of my only brother, he so much looks upon me. And my big sister…..she will definitely not buy the idea of me being gay because she knows I am a ladies man.
I worry about the future. What will happen? And my boyfriend whom I deeply love. I have never felt so much attached to a man before I met him. My spine feels tense and deeply tight. How will my friends react?
Everything is so distant now. The interest to pursue my dreams is slowly eluding me.
I feel buckled and wasted.
I want the world to go away so I can tuck myself in a dark corner and think.
No one can save me from this overwhelming blackness mixed with a series of irrational fears about the present and the future. I do not feel weak. I am just vulnerable and volatile.
Please note I am not stressed. I am just highly strung.
These thoughts are just in my shadows. I am shy to talk about this because know I will simply be told not to worry or worst case be made fun of and even avoided like I am some sort of plague.
I scratch the palm of my hand with my pen as I pause to proofread what I have written. This is just a battle of my extreme worlds. And I did not know I was going through it until I put it down on paper.
Happy Anniversary to this special man I am dating. And thank you to everyone who has been supportive. This weekend marks another milestone in our lives.